C165
The next morning, Arsia welcomed me into her residence as yesterday and widened her eyes.
"Your complexion doesn't look good. What happened?"
"It's nothing major. I had a hard time sleeping last night."
In reality, after waking up at dawn, I couldn't fall back asleep because I had a lot on my mind.
The cause is the first memory of the real Ethel seen in her dream.
"I can't believe these two were really lovers..."
The vision of Terence accepting Ethel's confession was still vivid before my eyes.
"Ha, even though I told you so many times that it wouldn't be good for you to get involved with me..."
"But I like Tay."
"There's nothing I can do for you."
Terence said this with a somewhat bitter but shy smile.
The joy Ethel must have felt at that moment was transmitted to me, and I felt both happy and sad at the same time.
And an ugly feeling of jealousy sprouted in my chest.
I hated it when he smiled like that at someone who wasn't me. Even if it's the real Ethel.
"I really love Terence."
When I was married to Leandro, I never felt like this even though he was with his assistant all day.
I was just disappointed that he didn't dedicate as much time to me and felt humiliated by the fact that he didn't respect me as a wife.
But now, not only was I jealous, but I even wished to be the real Ethel.
"It really is crazy. What qualifications do I have...?"
Although it wasn't her intention, does she expect taking over Ethel's body in this way to also erase the fact that she and Terence were lovers?
I felt sorry for Ethel. But I had stronger feelings than just pity for her.
After all, I can't give up Terence.
That was the conclusion I came to this morning after battling guilt, jealousy, and resentment towards fate.
I know it's a selfish decision. Still, it was hard to imagine life without Terence.
Once decided, now I have two choices.
Should I tell Terence all this? Or pretend not to know and simply leave it behind?
"I think the Terrence I know would tell me that his first life is a thing of the past and that the person he loves is me."
Even last night, didn't he let it go when he heard the possibility that he might have sought revenge on Liena and Mikhail instead of dying?
Maybe because he himself hadn't read the novel like I did, he tended to focus only on the reality he was facing at that moment.
So it would be better to simply bury it somewhere and forget about it...
"Ethel-nim?"
At that moment, I felt embarrassed seeing Arsia's calm face calling me.
It's like an adult who has bad thoughts and breaks their heart when they see an innocent child.
"Whatever happens, it's not right to bury it. There must be honesty between lovers."
I promised myself that I would tell everything to Terence.
After addressing the immediate task of verifying the Saint.
"I'm sorry. I got lost in other thoughts."
"No! It's okay."
"But can't you just call me Ethel instead of Ethel-nim?"
"How could I...?"
"Arsia was supposed to become a saint."
"But still."
"It's my wish."
"... Alright. E-Ethel. If it's Ethel's request, I'll do my best."
After looking at Arsia with a happy heart while stuttering even though all I had to do was remove the word "nim", I picked up my bag from the floor.
Today, the divine beast had something else to do and didn't follow me, so my purpose was elsewhere.
After a while, I placed the leather belt on the table.
"This is the artifact that will help us at the time of verifying the sanctity."
It was one of the inventions that the eccentric inventor had gifted me some time ago.
Kais had advised me to use it only in desperate times because it had fatal side effects, but for some reason, it had already been confirmed that the side effects were not a problem for me.
"I'll put this on and open the door for Arsia. Then Arsia..."
I explained the detailed strategy, and Arsia listened to me like a diligent student.
"This is the end of the explanation, and the actual practice will be tomorrow. Can you come to the place I told you about?"
"I'll go even if it means sneaking over the wall."
"It's good to have that determination, but in practice, it's not really necessary, so there's no need to exert too much pressure on it."
"We have to do our best. By the way, are you leaving today?"
"Oh, actually, I'd like to see the Verification Gate again. Is that possible?"
Arsia readily accepted my request, and I headed to the deepest part of the Grand Temple, wearing my priestly attire like yesterday.
Plank! I clapped my hands loudly and looked at the dead insect's body.
"Why are there mosquitoes at this time of the year?"
Still, I caught the mosquito before it could bite me.
"Oh, wash your hands here!"
Arsia pointed to the drinking fountain in the corner of the room.
The facilities were very good, perhaps because it was a large sanctuary that had received large donations from believers over the years.
After washing my hands, I stood in front of the verification door.
It was time to negotiate with someone who could be the biggest obstacle to prevent Liena from becoming a saint.
"It's too harsh to call me an obstacle."
In the pure white world, Goddess Miella said.
"So, you have no intention of interfering with me?"
"Why should I bother you?"
"You care about Liena. You can help Liena be recognized as a saint. I know very well that no matter how much I prepare, it will all be in vain with a single gesture from the goddess."
To avoid such unfortunate events, it was necessary to obtain a definitive response from the goddess before verifying sanctity.
A confirmation that she will not interfere with the verification of sanctity.
Although the goddess cares about Liena, she has also shown favor to me, like giving me the opportunity to secure the mine.
So I thought that if I could persuade her well, it wouldn't be impossible to get the answer I wanted.
The goddess easily responded to my words.
"You don't have to worry about that. I care about Liena, but I also care about you. No, to be precise, I care about all of you."
"Really? Then why did you wait until Liena made all these mistakes?"
"Mmm... Is what Liena did so wrong?"
It was an absurd question.
"Of course! Didn't you see the suffering of those who were forced to love Liena? Besides, the real Ethel was deprived of the opportunity to be adopted."
"I saw it. If that's wrong, haven't you done something wrong too?"
"What? What did I do wrong?"
I couldn't say that I had lived as a saint until now, but I didn't remember making a mistake comparable to Liena's.
"You just killed a mosquito."
I was speechless at the comment that far exceeded my expectations.
"...a mosquito? Is that wrong? No, strictly speaking, it's wrong to take even an insect's life, so it's true that it's wrong..."
"Isn't it a great sin like Liena's? Why? Because a mosquito's life is insignificant and the happiness of you humans is precious?"
"I didn't say that."
"But you believe it."
"... Isn't this a common way of thinking?"
"It is for humans. But are mosquitoes also like that? Should I catch a passing mosquito and ask? What's more important, the life of a mosquito or the happiness of many humans?"
"Well, the mosquito would say that its life is more important. But I'm human. Even though I try to be as fair as possible, I can't put a human's happiness like mine below a mosquito's life."
"You're right. You're human. It's natural to judge from a human perspective. And the mosquito, of course, will judge from its perspective."
It seemed as if the goddess's laughter could be heard.
"So, from what perspective should I, who am neither human nor mosquito, pass judgment?"
"......"
"First of all, I don't divide my creations into what you humans call good and evil. Do you understand?"
The goddess's voice resonated throughout the space.
"For me, you are all my creatures who live hard during your finite lives. Equally valuable and equally worthless at the same time."
At that moment, I realized once again that the goddess was fundamentally different from me, a separate being that I could never understand even if I lived my whole life.
Even if I tried to refute the goddess with logic here, it would be useless.
Because just as I couldn't understand the Goddess, the Goddess couldn't fully understand me.
"... If that's true, it means you didn't choose Liena out of special pity or care."
"That's as you said. More than anything, it's pathetic. It's a concept that really doesn't make sense to me."
"Then why did you choose Liena out of all your many creatures?"
"Why do you think it was?"
"... was it really just luck?"
"That's right. That's quite fair, isn't it?"
Even while in a state of despair, Miella continued to let me hear her voice.
"Anyway, I promise. Just as I won't punish Liena, I won't help her in any way. Are you planning to punish Liena?"
"... yes. Unlike you, humans divide others' actions into good and bad. Because we have such moral rules, we can maintain society."
Liena made many people unhappy.
I couldn't allow Liena to enjoy great power as a saint without paying any price.
The goddess, who listened to me in silence, said.
"Yes, I miss it too. Seeing humans, not God, performing human justice."
-----------------------------------
At that moment, outside the door leading to the room where the Verification Gate was kept.
Arsia was currently facing the person she least wanted to face.
"Hello. I received permission from the Holy Father a while ago and came to use the Verification Gate."
Liena, handcuffed by the wrists and accompanied by guards, brought her face close to Arsia's.
"Get out of the way, fake."